how to play star fox 64

repost from a repost from my livejournal, thought you youtube poopheads might enjoy it



Corneria: this planet ain't shit it's like the tutorial level if you die on this level YOU ARE A PUSSY-WHIPPED PUSSY OKAY?! first order of business is to shoot that asshat chasing Slippy's faggotty ass, although you don't have to if you want to scare the shit out of that frog. Then you do some flying and shit. Eventually you will come up to some fucking trippy green arches in a body of water. If you want to go to badass mofo Sector Y you should fly through them like a true G furry pilot. If you're a faggot and want to go to the shit-looking assteroid field, don't. But beware, this way you are a gay furry faggot. Falco will tell you PRETTY SMOOTH FLYING, FUCKS if you decided to be a true G furry pilot. Soon, Falco will have three little fighters on his ass. Falco, being the true fucking hardcore ace pilot he is, is too much of a dumbshit to do a loop, so you have to bail his ass out. You know, I'm just going to call him Fucko from now on, because that's what he is. Try to avoid using your charge laser because half of the time it will lock on the god damn orange shitheads just sitting there fucking around just to fuck your shit up. FUCK YOU ORANGE ASS EATERS. If you succeed in bailing Fucko out, you are still a true G furry pilot on your way to Sector Fucking Y. If you didn't and Fucko has to get out of there, you are a mega faggot and are going to the turd belt. UH OH it is time for the boss.

Corneria Boss 1: You fight this boss if you saved Fucko from being a fuckwad. Just shoot the ship's open points. For extra true G points, do a somersault before Fox says WE'RE STAR FUCKS because it looks hilarious. Continue to Sector Y.

Corneria Boss 2: You fight this boss if you were a faggot and didn't fly under the green shit and bail out Fucko. Just shoot his leg off and then aim for the green battery pack right on top of his ass. What a fucking pussy-assed robo-shit. Continue to Meteo.

Meteo (Asteroid Belt): If you are here, you are a bitch faggomaniac bitch. There is nothing of interest here except a warp to Katina, which is where you go if you FUCKING SUCK AT SECTOR Y. That's right, you have to pull some serious ace pilot shit just to jet to the reject ass-end of the path you should have taken. You just HAD to be a faggoty bitch on Corneria. To get to Katina, wait until you see some light blue rings formed of triangles. Fly through all of them if you want to somewhat rectify your mistake on Corneria. Be warned that this is FUCKING HARD AS ALL SHIT AND YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST DONE SHIT RIGHT ON CORNERIA. If you succeed, skip all this shit and continue to Katina. Otherwise, you have to fight the boss.

Meteo Boss: He's a real bitch ass. He has a FUCKING REFLECTOR SHIELD THAT WILL BOUNCE YOUR WELL-AIMED SHOTS BACK AT YOU LIKE A BITCH-ASSED MOFO. To avoid this, aim for the yellow triangle. Do this enough and his refucktor shield will fly the fuck off at your ass, so be ready to dodge that shit or go down like a pussy bitch. He'll then aim some FUCKING LIGHTNING IN SPACE, JESUS CHRIST at your ass, so evade it and hit the yellow diamond. Soon, he will give up and admit that he is a pussy. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! He flips over and shoots intertwining gay pride rings at your ass, and they are hard as a dick shit to dodge. Since this faggoty bitch just came out of the closet instead of back to mommy, you have to hit the yellow rectangles to put him out of his misery. All he ever wanted was to be accepted by his peers. VOTE NO ON PROP 8 NEXT TIME GOD DAMN IT. Fox will say SORRY TO JET, BUT I'M IN A HURRY as the boss dies in a gay fire, literally. Continue to Fortuna.

Sector Y: Yeah!! You're no bitch...yet. You're here because you are a true G furry pilot. Sector Y is a fucking cesspool of robots and shit you can shoot. the fuck out of. Plus there is a part where you can totally rip off Star Wars. Your goal in this shitpool is to et at least 100 kills, which isn't hard if you shoot FUCKING EVERYTHING. If you score under 100 by the end of the level, you'll have to continue to Katina because you're a fucking nobody loser-ass. Just shoot lots of shit and use your bombs and you'll be fucking king of the space race 2009 in no time.

Sector Y Boss: Slippy starts this off by saying "SOMETHING'S UP AHEAD! LOOKS DIFFERENT!" even though the bosses look NO FUCKING DIFFERENT THAN ANY OF THE OTHER DICKBITCH ROBOSHITS YOU BLEW THE FUCK UP ABOUT HALF A MINUTE AGO FUCK YOU SLIPPY. There are two RoboCops trying to shoot your ass out of space. Have none of that shit! Shoot them like Ray Charles shot heroin before going clean. RIP Ray Charles, you were a fucking badass pianist and the coolest guy. The RoboCops will be dead quickly. BUT OH NO THERE IS ANOTHER SHITHEAD WAITING FOR YOU. He is exactly the same, but he can talk, although all he ever says is "COCKY LITTLE FREAKS!!" I bet he has a freaky little cock and needs to compensate. THAT MUST BE IT. If you take forever and a fucking half to off this shrimpydick bitch, he'll be a complete dumbass bastard and land on his ship, opening himself up to fire. Kill him then. If you got a score of 100 or more, continue to Aquas. If you didn't, you're a pussy assed faggotmeister and should continue to Katina.

Katina: This level is ten sorts of shitty. You basically fly around in fucking circles shooting black ships (but don't shoot the white ships, because according to Bill the Dog, they're "ONE OF OUUUUURS!" Because that's not racist at all. Fuck you Bill. You go to hell.) Soon enough, a mothership will approach and threaten to blow up the Great Pyramid in the middle of fucking nowhere. OH FUCKING NO! When Racist Bill says "THE HATCHES ARE OPEN" you would be wise to shoot the flaps on the mothership. KABOOM! After all four are blown the fuck up, the mothership will jut out this FUCKING BADASS SPIKE (apparently the core) that you need to waste in one minute or you'll be a real bitch loser. Shoot it like Kurtwood Smith shot Peter Weller. The mothership will fall like a bitch and blow up if you did it right. If you didn't because you were too busy wanking to Bill's floppy tongue, the Great Pyramid gets nixed and Bill will be a real ass to you. Egypt will be pissed too. "SEE IF I HELP YOOOU AGAIN!" Either way, continue to Solar.

Fortuna: Slippy puts it well: "WHY ARE SHIPS COMING OUT OF THE BASE?" This is never fucking explained, and it doesn't have to be because before long FUCKING STAR WOLF, FUCKING FUCK YEAH shows up to make your team's Arwings into a pile of scrap metal with some dead furfags inside. Wolf himself will ride your ass in an attempt to buttfuck you with his lasers. Have none of that shit, do a somersault to make him squeal an inspired "WHAT THE HECK?!?" Shoot his macho ass before he gets back on your ass. Oh, and also you have to take care of the other Star Wolf butt buddies Pigma, Leon, and (Kyle) Andrew (Ward) because your teammates are still dumb as fucking bricks on a Sunday afternoon. Well shit. You have to do this in a timely manner, because according to ROB, " A BOMB HAS BEEN PLANTED AT THE BASE." Shit! Either you take out Wolf and his drama club or take too long and the base explodes. You can guess which one makes you a true G furry pilot, so do that one or you're a bitch. It kind of sucks that the game has Fox fly INTO A BASE TO DEFUSE A BOMB THAT IS SECONDS AWAY FROM EXPLODING HOLY SHIT IS THAT BADASS, but for some shit gay ass reason YOU DON'T GET TO PLAY THAT PART. WHAT. THE. FUCK. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU DICKS NINTENDO GOD DAMN IT. Continue to Sector X either way.

Aquas: GOLLY GEE ASSES IS THIS LEVEL HARD okay so you are a FUCKING SUBMARINE HOW COOL IS THAT SHIT?? Just shoot lots of torpedoes because Slippy designed this badassmobile to have INFINITE FUCKING TORPEDOES. WATCH OUT JAWS, YOU ARE FUCKED. There is nothing of interest in the level other than the dumb lantern fish. Shoot torpedoes at that jackass fatass.

Aquas Boss: IT'S A GIANT CLAM! OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT. Shoot the giant nipple things first, or else they will FUCKING LACTATE EELS THAT HURT LIKE A BITCH. After that, aim for the two oral columns with your torpedoes. Soon enough, the bitch clam will let all of it's defenses down and allow you to fuck its shit up hardcore. Do it and continue to Zoness.

Solar: IT BURNS AAAAAAHHHHH FUCK Okay so throughout this whole level your health is constantly dropping because you are FLYING LOW OVER LAVA FOR SOME FURRY REASON. The lower you fly, the quicker your ass gets charbroiled and served to snobby French fucks as a delicacy. Slippy says that the Arwing can "take up to 9000 degrees" (that's up to 9000, not over 9000 you deskchair-confined zit-faced shitmeme pusher). THE FUCKING SUN IS HOTTER THAN 9000 DEGREES SO THAT WORKS FOR FUCKALL, SLIPPY YOU DICK. You have to shoot lava rocks to get health powerups. Other than that nothing special.

Solar Boss: AAAAAAHHHH IT'S THE LAVA MONSTER , HOLY SHIT. This guy is easy as pissing off of the Space Needle while shitfaced, only easier. Shoot his arms off like a true G furry pilot world, then shoot his face. He may try to barf FUCKING LAVA ROCKS at you, but by now you know that they help more than harm. Lava monster will drop like a pussy-whipped ass pimple before long. Continue to Macbeth.

Sector X: Oh boy, Sector X. There are two ways to beat this level: the true G furry pilot HIGH ON DRUGS 2009 way, and the pussy butt way. To achieve the former, you have to fly to the left when you come to a fork in the path. You will see some real trippy metal rectangles with more rectangles inside them. You have to shoot them until they turn red with anger at your douchebaggery and open for you to fly through. If you visited Katina earlier and saved the Great Pyramid, Racist Bill will show up and help you. I guess he's trying to repent by shooting whites now. Who cares, he shoots like a four-year-old with a heavy water gun, he's of no real use. If you fly through all of the pissed-off gates, you'll go into FUCKING HYPERSPACE and into the heart of Sector X, aka FUCKING TRIPPY ASS SHIT LAND 420 ALSO DROP ACID 2009, where the enemies are FUCKING WHITE NOISE and you have to FLY THROUGH TRIPPY SHIT OH NO CHARLES. If you did this, continue to Sector Z, because you were so fucked up you somehow flew across the Lylat system in two minutes. SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY. If you didn't do this, you will have to fight Andross's SECRET FUCKING WEAPON which is really a pushover.

Sector X Boss: Just shoot his eyes and when his head blows off, his little neck stub. If you take too long doing this because you were still back there wanking to Bill's tongue, Slippy will get his gay ass bitchslapped all the way to another fucking planet, Titania. Continue to Titania if this happens. If not, continue to Macbeth.

Zoness: Not much to speak of, this is the most forgettable fucking planet in the game. Along the way, you will encounter the aptly-named Katt, who wants Fucko to put his dick in her. I thought cats ate birds? I don't know I don't give a fuck what these furfags do on their off days. To advance to Sector Z, you must shoot all the security beacons jutting out of the sea of waste. This is pretty fucking hard and if you want to get to Sector Z easily, you shold have gotten high over at Sector X. But that's the pussy way to go about it. Shoot the living fuck out of those beacons.

Zoness Boss: Who gives a fuck about this guy, he ain't shit. Just shoot bombs into all his cavities and his crane and eventually he'll blow up and die in the cesspool of diarrhea that is Zoness. You can conveniently recover extra bombs by shooting his attacks. Oh, video games. If you blew the beacons up like a true G furry pilot, continue to Sector Z. If not, continue to Macbeth.

Sector Z: All is well in this sector until FUCKING GIGANTIC FUCKING MISSILES COME RIGHT THE FUCK AT GREAT FOX. SHOOT THEM OR THE GREAT FOX WILL BE SOOOOO FUCKED. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH IT MUST COST TO FIX THAT SHIT? I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN. Basically shoot the missiles. It isn't that fucking hard, but ROB will throw a shit fit if they get too close. If you blow all the missiles up, continue to Area 6 (oh boy are you fucked). If you were a pussy and let Great Fox take the hit after all the shit it's done for you this whole fucking game, you're a giant ass douche and should continue to Bolse.

Macbeth: You are in a FUCKING TANK!! HOLY SHIT IS THIS GREAT OR WHAT? Actually no, it sucks fat cock. There is no fucking reason Fox should be in a tank and not the air. This game is fucking retarded. Anyway, get used to the tank's shitty handling. You'll be at the boss before you fucking know it, but not before Katt shows up and pleads with Fucko more if you came from Zoness (which means you fucked up, pussy).

Macbeth Boss: There are two ways to deal with Thomas the Tank Engine In Space and his trusty pal Scoopy the Crane Faggot. The bitch ass way is to shoot Scoopy until he blows the fuck up, but that's no fucking fun. The real true G furry tank operator way to win this fight is to set off the 8 conveniently numbered switches around the boss area, then the switch at the fork in the track. If you can manage to hit all of these fucking phallic monstrosities with the pile of shit that is the Landmaster tank, the train will switch paths and crash into a factory, creating the BIGGEST AND MOST BADASS EXPLOSION IN ANY VIDEO GAME EVER HOT DAMN. Continue to Area 6. If you choose to fight Scoopy like a bitch butt man, continue to Bolse.

Titania: GOD DAMN IT LANDMASTER , SHIT. This level is not that bad, but don't run over the land mines. I think Chris Foy put them there. FUCK YOU CHRIS FOY. Nothing interesting at all until the boss. In other news, STAR FOX ON THE SNES HAD FUCKING BADASS FUCKING MUSIC FOR TITANIA WHERE DID IT GO WHAT IS THIS SHITTY SHIT GOD DAMN IT THIS IS CHRIS FOY'S FAULT TOO

Titania Boss: HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A DINOSAUR JESUS CHRIIIIIIST WHAT THE FUUUUUCK. And he has Slippy! Time to bail his squeaky-voiced ass out. Shoot the tentacles, and then the exposed heart to free Slippy from Color A Dinosaur Titania Edition. Not that bad. Continue to Bolse, faggot.

Area 6: THE HARDEST LEVEL IN THE FUCKING GAME, HOLY ASS BUTT SHITS. The best way to stay alive in the onslaught that is Area 6 is to FUCKING SHOOT EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE EVERY DAY AND DO SOME FUCKING BARREL ROLLS. Also, try to keep your retard teammates alive, because if they get knocked the fuck out, your next level will be a motherfucking hellish nightmare. There are no branching paths here, once you're in Area 6 there's no going back to the easy ass pussy route. You're gonna have to fight the boss.

Area 6 Boss: This guy is a real fucking ass dick doucheorama, and he won't be afraid to give your furry ass a complimentary anal bleaching. To beat him, you have to shoot his rape tentacles in order to get his ass opened up. When this happens, you have to shoot his rotating balls. Once all of the balls are down, his center will be exposed. Shoot it like Dick Cheney shot Harry Whittington. Beware though, the motherfucker will sometimes charge a fucking SCREEN FILLING BEAM and shoot it at your ass. To avoid it, cower off to the lower left of the screen. This is the ONLY time in the game where it's okay to be a pussy. Keep on fucking going until the bitch-assed boss drops like a pussy. Continue to Venom (Hard).

Bolse: Bolse is not a bad level. YOU ARE AT A FUCKING SPACE STATION. Your goal is to blow this fucking joint sky high (or whatever the space equivalent is). To do this, you must first shoot the big dick-shaped shield generators that ejaculate lightning. When all of them are down, the shield will drop, and the core will rise, but not after some bitch ass fucker ass bitch fighters come out and chase you like your ass smells like a bag of McDonald's. You have to shoot all the yellow squares in the core to make this happen. If you didn't go to Fortuna (or your pussy-assed faggot ass didn't kill them all off while you were there), Star Wolf will show up to fuck up your day even more. What a bitch. After you blow the core out its ass, continue to Venom (Easy).

Venom (Easy): This level is not too bad. You basically do some flying and shit until you come to some crazy-assed Aztec temple. Your teammates are too pussy-whipped to go in there with you, so you have to ditch their asses.

Venom Boss 1: IT'S THAT FUCKING GUY FROM FUCKING MONSTER RANCHER, ONLY HE'S YELLOW!! HOLY SHIT. Shoot all the yellow shit off of him until he is stark-assed naked, then shoot his exposed head. Try not to fly into the pillars he activates in front of you, because they hurt like a bitch. When he is dead, the tunnel magically ends and you get to fight Andross.

Andross: HE'S AN UGLY MOTHER FUCKER!! Shoot the diamonds on his floating fucking Rayman hands until they blow up. Do it quick, or else he'll fucking smash your bitch ass up with SONIC BITCHSLAPS FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION. If he tries to eat you like a gay butt master, shoot a bomb in his mouth. That will piss him WAY THE FUCK OFF. When his hands are gone, shoot his eyes until his FUCKING FACE FALLS THE FUCK OFF. WHAT THE FUCK, HE'S A FUCKING ROBOT!! FUCK!!! SHOOT HIS CRAZY WONKY ROBOT ASS, EVEN THOGH HE HAS NO ASS TO SPEAK OF. He will try to munch on your ass like a rabid chihuahua. Shit. But it's all good, once you've taken him down YOU'VE ONE THE GAME ON PUSSY MODE, CONGRADUFUCKINGLATIONS, NOW PLAY THE GAME AGAIN AND DON'T FUCK UP ON ANY OF THE LEVELS.

Venom (Hard): This level is HARD AS CONSTIPATED SHIT if you don't have your teammates. Star Wolf is back in action: Wolf, Leon, Pigma, and (Kyle) Andrew (Ward) all have it out for you. Follow the same strategy as on Fortuna, but beware - they have REALLY SHARPENED THEIR SHIT AND THEY AIN'T NOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH SON. Once you kick their asses back to shit land, it's time to take Andross's ass to town.

Andross: For the first part of this battle, the procedure is exactly the same as Venom (Easy), so refer to that shit. The only thing is, this time he's not a robot, HE'S A FUCKING BRAIN!!! WITH EYES!! SHIT FUCK DICK DUCK ASSES!! Shoot his shrimpy little eyes off first, then try to hit his motherfucking cerebellum (the green thing on the back of his brain). TOO FUCKING BAD HE NEVER GIVES YOU A GOOD SHOT AT THAT SHIT GOD DAMN IT. Once you have fucked him, he tries to make his base GO FUCKING BOOM with you in it, but YO BIG DADDY JAMES MCCLOUD IS HERE TO SAVE THE FUCKING DAY!! Follow him while jamming the Boost button. Don't take any turns wrong or you will be ass fucked 2009. If you can keep up with your main man James and escape, YOU HAVE FUCKING WON THE GAME CONGRATS BITCH HAHA. YOU AIN'T NO PUSSY (well, unless you took a path other than Sector Y > Aquas > Zoness > Sector Z > Area 6 > Venom, in which case DO IT THE FUCK OVER ASSHOLE).

that is how to play star fox 64

tl;dr